I started writing this blog, a year ago, as a personal journal and a way to share with my beloved husband some of my thoughts and hobbies. My successes and failures. He was my #1 fan, and also my only viewer (as I only shared the site with him).
In March, I hit a data limit and had a bit of a problem with trying to fix it. I accidentally deleted dozens (if not more) of photos on my posts, and so I stopped blogging.
He checked nearly every day, bless his heart, and frequently asked when the blog would be back. But my heart wasn't in it.
Within the last week, though, I was trying to get back to it. I was trying to figure out how to get things recovered, or to find a new blog to migrate to. I just hadn't finished the task.
And then, two nights ago, he tragically, unexpectedly and devastatingly died.
We were at home. It has been a nice evening. I had worked out at the pool with a friend, walking laps around the lazy river, and then he and I watched 2 episodes of NCIS. At 11, he turned in, because he hadn't been feeling great all day. Fatigued and with a bit of a scratchy throat and slight fever. The previous 2-3 nights he hadn't slept much, and this was how his body often responded to not enough rest.
He told me how much he loved me, and turned in.
At 1 am, I was still watching TV, and heard a huge crash from upstairs. He had collapsed. I tried to save him, but it was not possible. His bigger than life, amazingly generous and caring heart, which loved me more than anything else, failed him. A massive heart attack. A widow maker. That was it.
I still can't believe it. I am heartbroken and devastated beyond compare. And so this morning, I am sitting on our deck, in the still and cool of the early morning, and I'm going to restart my cannery posts. But now, it's going to be my way of communicating with him, because I know, if it is at all possible, he's reading.
So now, instead of just sharing my crazy escapades with gardens and canning and quilting, though I'll probably still do that, at least with time, it's going to be how I'm trying to pick up the pieces of my shattered heart, and try to find a way to live again. Because I know that's what he would want.
My dearest Todd, I love you with everything I have, and our 16 years together was never going to be enough. You're on the other side. You know life's great mysteries, and I hope you have found joy and peace (and are with Lisa and your parents). Molly and I are holding down the fort, for now.
No egrets. Not a single snowy white bird.
All my love, always.
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